This pattern often originates from early life experiences. When a person grows up feeling judged, criticised, or like they do not belong, they can develop powerful coping mechanisms to protect themselves from further emotional pain, such as shame or humiliation. Hiding parts of oneself or concealing information can feel, in the moment, like the only way to avoid “looking bad” and to preserve important relationships. It is an instinctive, and often unconscious, attempt to maintain a sense of safety and acceptance.
While it feels like self-preservation at the time, this behaviour can paradoxically lead to the very outcomes it is meant to prevent. The secrecy can erode trust and create a sense of insecurity for a partner, which can damage the relationship. This can create a difficult cycle: the act of hiding something leads to conflict or questioning, which in turn increases the original feelings of shame and pressure, making it even harder to be open and honest.
Understanding this pattern is a crucial first step. By recognising that this behaviour is not driven by a conscious intention to hurt, but rather by an old instinct to protect oneself from perceived threats, we can begin to explore new, more constructive ways of managing these difficult feelings and communicating more openly within the relationship.
