Differentiation: Staying Yourself While Staying Connected

One of the central ideas I work with in therapy is the concept of “differentiation.” At its heart, differentiation is about holding onto your own sense of self, even while staying emotionally close to those you care about. It means you can stay connected to your partner, family, or friends, without losing sight of your own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
This is often easier said than done. When we are close to someone, it can feel uncomfortable or even threatening when they see the world differently. Sometimes we might find ourselves expecting our partner to think or feel the same as we do, or feeling unsettled when they don’t. The practice of differentiation asks us to recognise and respect our differences, without letting them undermine our connection.
The same ideas apply at home, especially in moments of stress or chaos. Being well-differentiated means being able to say, “This is what I need right now,” even if the people around you need something different. It’s about balancing closeness and independence—being able to take care of yourself, while still being present and available to those around you.
Developing differentiation is a process, not a destination. It takes practice to notice your own feelings and keep your footing, especially when emotions run high. Over time, strengthening your sense of self can lead to deeper intimacy and a more grounded, open relationship with those who matter most.
If you’d like to explore these ideas further, or see how differentiation might support you or your relationship, feel free to get in touch.